Gillette

Gillette is really only the third best a man can get.

MasterCard

MasterCard is making a magic credit card that can buy everything for free.

Target

Newly-hired Target employees undergo three days of target practice.

Wendy's

Wendy's injects Wendy's stem cells into the buns of its chicken sandwiches.

American Express

The accounting department at American Express is so insecure.

How insecure are they?

Well, let's just say you shouldn't ask about the last company picnic.

Staples

Office supplies sold at Staples can't swim.

Google

Google headhunts bears.

Disney

Disney is collecting DNA from EPCOT Center restrooms for the construction of its new project: EPCOT Center Bleeds Forever.

State Farm

If you call your State Farm insurance agent between 3:17am and 3:34am on the third Tuesday of October, he will cook you a free breakfast that morning. The breakfast will kill you.

Altria

Altria targets possums in their cigarette advertisements.

Yahoo!

Yahoo!'s search results are in part determined by a brown bear.

Pizza Hut

Pizza Hut executives can't get off the sauce.

The Gap

In High School, The Gap was voted Least Likely To Succeed.

Whole Foods

Whole Foods sells sad watermellons.