The Middle East

I just flew in from the Middle East...
















...and boy are my arms blown off.

God

God hates you.

Dan Brown

The Di Vinci Code is really just a Caesar Cipher.

Blogger

Blogger tested its parent company Google's new Chinese censorship filter and took down this blog for a month.

Burberry

Burberry makes Luis Vuitton knockoff handbags.

Lockheed Martin

Lockheed Martin tried to sell Japan the B-bomb

John Deere

John Deere's leaping deer logo was created by Stanley Whitetail. Stanley was never compensated for his work.

Virgin Airlines

Virgin Airlines lures women who are about to get abortions with cheap low fare tickets and then purposefully crashes the plane.

Virgin Mobile

Two-thirds of Virgin Mobile customers have unwanted children.

Kellogg's

Kellogg's is not proud to be a sponsor of the US Olympic Team.

Nestle

Nestle is Swiss for 'stolen jewish gold.'

Evian

Avian Flu is actually Evian Flu.

Pfizer

Pfizer's number one export is AIDS.

Tropicana

I kill better when I drink Tropicana products.

iRobot

The Roomba snacks on cats.

The National Football League

The NFL owns the souls of its players.

Pepsi

Pepsi's next spokesperson is going to be Kevin Federline.

Ticketmaster

Three Ticketmaster employees have children named "Price Gouging."

Kraft

Kraft cheese is made from the same ingredients as Gatorade.

IKEA

IKEA is changing all 4 legged tables to 2 legged tables to cut costs.

UPS

UPS trucks are brown because its CEO is color blind.

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise© is a person.

Adidas

Adidas uses cadaver feet to test new shoes.

Symantec

Norton Anti-Virus infects computers with one virus for every fifty it removes.

Halliburton

Halliburton is a nice company and has never been involved in any corrupt practices.

Aflac, GEICO and StarKist: A Modern Love Triangle

The Aflac Duck used to date Charlie the Tuna, until the Gecko came on to the scene.

Winnebago

Winnebago uses its unsold vehicles to store bodies of employees who died on the assembly line.

Burger King

Burger King has a vomit-only restroom.

Snapple

The Best Stuff on Earth ran out three years ago.

TBS

Ted Turner lives inside of a bison.

General Mills

Unstable in their gaseous state, Cheerios molecules compound with vaporized children, forming Froot Loops.

Apple

Apple's MP3 players burn books.

The New York Times

Last year, 17.5 million people fell asleep while reading The New York Times.

Goldman Sachs

Goldman Sachs uses witchcraft to make its financial decisions.

Texas Instruments

When Texas instruments opened several production plants in Mexico, the Board of Directors almost changed the company's name to Mexicas Tex-Mex Instruments.



This is a conceptual collaborative post.

Master Lock

Master Lock gives the cool kids the combinations to the nerds' locks.

Gateway

Gateway's computer boxes are made from real cow hide.

Gillette

Gillette is really only the third best a man can get.

MasterCard

MasterCard is making a magic credit card that can buy everything for free.

Target

Newly-hired Target employees undergo three days of target practice.

Wendy's

Wendy's injects Wendy's stem cells into the buns of its chicken sandwiches.

American Express

The accounting department at American Express is so insecure.

How insecure are they?

Well, let's just say you shouldn't ask about the last company picnic.

Staples

Office supplies sold at Staples can't swim.

Google

Google headhunts bears.

Disney

Disney is collecting DNA from EPCOT Center restrooms for the construction of its new project: EPCOT Center Bleeds Forever.

State Farm

If you call your State Farm insurance agent between 3:17am and 3:34am on the third Tuesday of October, he will cook you a free breakfast that morning. The breakfast will kill you.

Altria

Altria targets possums in their cigarette advertisements.

Yahoo!

Yahoo!'s search results are in part determined by a brown bear.

Pizza Hut

Pizza Hut executives can't get off the sauce.

The Gap

In High School, The Gap was voted Least Likely To Succeed.

Whole Foods

Whole Foods sells sad watermellons.

Casio

Casio uses elephant tusks to make the plastic for its keyboards.

FedEx

FedEx licks every package it handles.

Samsung

Samsung phones can be used as boomerangs.

Coca-Cola

The Coca-Cola Company's first product was a tree house kit. It wasn't until the late 1980's that it moved into the motorcycle repair business, which it is famous for today.

K-Mart

K-Mart's stores are big because their employees need places to hide while they are crying.

Victoria's Secret

Victoria's Secret secretly makes male panties.

BMW

BMW is building a car that hates chocolate ice cream.

Sun Microsystems

Sun Microsystems has a computer that eats IBM computer-babies.