Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Pfizer

Pfizer's number one export is AIDS.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Tropicana

I kill better when I drink Tropicana products.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

iRobot

The Roomba snacks on cats.

The National Football League

The NFL owns the souls of its players.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Pepsi

Pepsi's next spokesperson is going to be Kevin Federline.

Ticketmaster

Three Ticketmaster employees have children named "Price Gouging."

Monday, September 12, 2005

Kraft

Kraft cheese is made from the same ingredients as Gatorade.

Friday, September 09, 2005

IKEA

IKEA is changing all 4 legged tables to 2 legged tables to cut costs.

UPS

UPS trucks are brown because its CEO is color blind.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise© is a person.

Adidas

Adidas uses cadaver feet to test new shoes.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Symantec

Norton Anti-Virus infects computers with one virus for every fifty it removes.

Halliburton

Halliburton is a nice company and has never been involved in any corrupt practices.

Aflac, GEICO and StarKist: A Modern Love Triangle

The Aflac Duck used to date Charlie the Tuna, until the Gecko came on to the scene.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Winnebago

Winnebago uses its unsold vehicles to store bodies of employees who died on the assembly line.

Burger King

Burger King has a vomit-only restroom.

Snapple

The Best Stuff on Earth ran out three years ago.

Friday, September 02, 2005

TBS

Ted Turner lives inside of a bison.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

General Mills

Unstable in their gaseous state, Cheerios molecules compound with vaporized children, forming Froot Loops.

Apple

Apple's MP3 players burn books.

The New York Times

Last year, 17.5 million people fell asleep while reading The New York Times.