Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Goldman Sachs

Goldman Sachs uses witchcraft to make its financial decisions.

Texas Instruments

When Texas instruments opened several production plants in Mexico, the Board of Directors almost changed the company's name to Mexicas Tex-Mex Instruments.



This is a conceptual collaborative post.

Master Lock

Master Lock gives the cool kids the combinations to the nerds' locks.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Gateway

Gateway's computer boxes are made from real cow hide.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Gillette

Gillette is really only the third best a man can get.

MasterCard

MasterCard is making a magic credit card that can buy everything for free.

Target

Newly-hired Target employees undergo three days of target practice.

Wendy's

Wendy's injects Wendy's stem cells into the buns of its chicken sandwiches.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

American Express

The accounting department at American Express is so insecure.

How insecure are they?

Well, let's just say you shouldn't ask about the last company picnic.

Staples

Office supplies sold at Staples can't swim.

Google

Google headhunts bears.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Disney

Disney is collecting DNA from EPCOT Center restrooms for the construction of its new project: EPCOT Center Bleeds Forever.

State Farm

If you call your State Farm insurance agent between 3:17am and 3:34am on the third Tuesday of October, he will cook you a free breakfast that morning. The breakfast will kill you.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Altria

Altria targets possums in their cigarette advertisements.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Yahoo!

Yahoo!'s search results are in part determined by a brown bear.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Pizza Hut

Pizza Hut executives can't get off the sauce.

The Gap

In High School, The Gap was voted Least Likely To Succeed.

Whole Foods

Whole Foods sells sad watermellons.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Casio

Casio uses elephant tusks to make the plastic for its keyboards.

FedEx

FedEx licks every package it handles.

Samsung

Samsung phones can be used as boomerangs.

Coca-Cola

The Coca-Cola Company's first product was a tree house kit. It wasn't until the late 1980's that it moved into the motorcycle repair business, which it is famous for today.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

K-Mart

K-Mart's stores are big because their employees need places to hide while they are crying.

Victoria's Secret

Victoria's Secret secretly makes male panties.

BMW

BMW is building a car that hates chocolate ice cream.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Sun Microsystems

Sun Microsystems has a computer that eats IBM computer-babies.

Hasbro

Hasbro fills its Mr. Potato Head toys with heroin.

AOL

AOL has cooties.

BIC

BIC stands for BIC Ink Cancer which stands for BIC Ink Causes Ink Cancer.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

McDonald's

McDonald's owns your family.

Hertz

Hertz rental cars are unable to go more than 45 MPH.

Microsoft

Microsoft wets the bed.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Sony

Sony is developing an alternate universe to be inhabited solely by acronyms commonly used in instant messaging conversations.

CitiGroup

CitiGroup's custodial staff is comprised entirely of Oompa Loompas.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Gatorade

Gatorade is urine.

The Home Depot

The Home Depot has a secret agenda to promote promiscuity.

Anheuser Busch

Anheuser Busch builds its factories on toxic waste dumps.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Johnson & Johnson

Johnson & Johnson used to be Johnson & Johnson & Johnson.

Exxon Mobil

Exxon Mobil is part-owned by aliens.

IBM

IBM has a computer that makes babies.

AT&T

AT&T has listened to every phone conversation you've ever had.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Nike

Nike serves bees in its cafeteria.

General Motors

General Motors refuses to pay its electricity bill.

Duane Reade

Duane Reade stockpiles nuclear weapons in its pharmacy.

StarKist

The StarKist tuna company breeds extra dolphins to put in their fishing nets to die.

JetBlue

JetBlue's snacks are made from old planes.

Starbucks

Starbucks injects 0.01% poison into every cup of coffee.

Dove

Dove uses real birds in their soap.

General Electric

All General Electric dishwashers break after 316 days.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Cingular

A Cingular sales associate beat me with a baseball bat when I asked him if my calling plan qualifies for rollover minutes.